


"Just fuck each other and get it over with!"

by all_ships_are_my_otp



Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Mistaken for Being in a Relationship, Post S4, Relationship(s), it's just fluff, so they make a, that's all there is to say about this, which becomes a
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-29 03:48:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11432517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/all_ships_are_my_otp/pseuds/all_ships_are_my_otp
Summary: Richard keeps making comments about how Dinesh and Gilfoyle are fucking. They’re not. They decide to get revenge on Richard by pretending that they are and making him feel increasingly uncomfortable. It sort of backfires.





	"Just fuck each other and get it over with!"

“Just fuck each other and get it over with!”

 

The first time Richard said it to them, Dinesh and Gilfoyle didn't think much of it. Richard had been on the brink of insanity all week because the future of his company was at stake. After Pied Piper was miraculously saved by a network of smart fridges, Richard had apologized for his behavior. Dinesh and Gilfoyle assumed that the out-of-the-blue comment about their supposed sexual tension was encompassed in his apology.

 

But two days later, it happened again.

 

"Dinesh? Gilfoyle? Where is the smart fridge security patch? The schedule says you should have finished it yesterday," Richard said.

 

"We're working on it," Dinesh said.

 

"Yeah, we're making it fucking awesome, and that level of quality takes time."

 

"Well, maybe if you stopped taking breaks every hour to give each other blowjobs or whatever the fuck it is you do when you’re not coding, you'd have been done by now. Just—get it done by the end of today, okay?" Richard said testily, flailing his arms in the air in frustration as he left the room.

 

And again.

 

"Guys! The code you pushed is unintelligible! How am I supposed to understand this, let alone attach my algorithm to it?"

 

"I can understand it," Gilfoyle said.

 

"I guess our code is so fucking good at what it does that you can't understand how it works."

 

Gilfoyle wordlessly wheeled his chair over to Dinesh and they high-fived.

 

"Ugh. Stop flirting and explain what this line of code does," Richard said exasperatedly.

 

And again.

 

"So if you're going to New York for a week, what are Dinesh and Gilfoyle going to do?" Monica asked Richard, handing him some fruit to put in the fridge. Ever since Erlich left for Tibet, they had taken over the grocery shopping duties for the incubator.

 

"I don't know. Stay here, work on Pied Piper and fuck each other on every flat surface in this house?"

 

Monica laughed. “They'd probably hate New York anyway.”

 

Eventually, when Richard wasn’t around, they decided to talk about it.

 

“So, do you think we should talk about how Richard thinks we’re fucking?” Dinesh said casually, as if he had just commented on the weather or a bug in the Pied Piper codebase.

 

“It’s pretty fucking annoying,” Gilfoyle said. “I wonder how he came to that conclusion.”

 

“I mean, we do argue a lot, and spend all our time together, and write code as a unit...but none of that is necessarily indicative of a sexual relationship.”

 

“You know, we should capitalize on this.”

 

“Like some sort of prank?”

 

“Exactly. We pretend that we are fucking,” Gilfoyle said.

 

“And make Richard feel, like, super uncomfortable! That’s genius!” Dinesh exclaimed.

 

“I hope you’re good at faking sex noises,” Gilfoyle said, grinning, “This is going to be fucking hilarious.”

 

**

 

The next morning, Richard and Dinesh were sitting at their shared desk. Gilfoyle entered the room, hair slightly more disheveled than usual.

 

“There you are, Dinesh,” he said sweetly. “I was wondering where you were. When I woke up this morning you weren’t in bed anymore.”

 

Dinesh, as it turned out, was not as inspired of an actor. “We fucked last night,” he informed Richard. “Multiple times.”

 

“You were pretty fucking great, babe,” Gilfoyle said, tousling Dinesh’s hair affectionately before sitting down at his own desk. “So anyway, about that security module...”

 

They went on to discuss the latest module they were implementing, silently enjoying Richard’s flabbergasted expression.

 

**

 

Richard was eating lunch in the kitchen.

 

“Dinesh? Do you want to take a break from work in my room for a bit? Gilfoyle asked.

 

“Absolutely,” Dinesh smirked.

 

Gilfoyle’s room was adjacent to the kitchen and the walls were thin. They sat on opposite sides of the bed and smiled at each other knowingly.

 

Gilfoyle started jumping on the bed and pounding the wall loudly while Dinesh moaned:

 

“Fuck yeah—just like that—oh, that feels so good—I think I’m going to come--”

 

When they heard the sound of keys jingling and the house front door slamming shut, they burst into laughter.

 

“I can’t believe Richard was so annoyed that he left the house,” Dinesh said, though bursts of laughter.

 

“We should probably stay here for a while longer in case Richard comes back inside,” Gilfoyle said. “Although...since I was pretending to blow you, it wouldn’t be out of place for us to be done almost immediately.”

 

“Fuck you, I last longer than that,” Dinesh said, scowling.

 

“I won’t believe it until I see it,” Gilfoyle said, winking at Dinesh flirtatiously.

 

“You do realize Richard can’t hear us anymore? You can stop doing that now.”

 

“I just want to fuck you. I mean fuck with you,” Gilfoyle said, a playful glint in his eyes.

 

Dinesh laughed. “Shut up, asshole. That’s good material. Save it for when Richard is around.”

 

**

 

Richard, Gilfoyle and Dinesh were sitting in the living room. Richard was aimlessly scrolling through facebook and Dinesh and Gilfoyle were playing video games.

 

“Fuck, I just got really tired all of a sudden,” Dinesh said, yawning. “Are you okay playing singleplayer?”

 

Gilfoyle nodded.

 

“I’m going up to bed. Good night,” he said, making sure Richard was watching before giving Gilfoyle a quick kiss on the lips. It didn’t last long, but it clearly got a reaction out of Gilfoyle. Long after the kiss was over, he still sat there, gazing in Dinesh’s general direction, cheeks slightly flushed.

 

There were a few seconds of silence.

 

“See ya,” Richard said, clearly uncomfortable.

 

A few more seconds of silence.

 

Finally, Gilfoyle regained control of his motor functions. “Oh yeah. Goodnight Dinesh. See you...later tonight.”

 

Dinesh had already left the room.

 

“From the way you reacted, I would have thought that was the first time you guys kissed,” Richard said, laughing nervously.

 

Gilfoyle stiffened. “Ha. Ha. Yeah. That would be ridiculous. We’ve kissed. I do sex on him all the time.”

 

“You’re even starting to talk like him...”

 

“Yup. Classic us,” Gilfoyle deadpanned.

 

**

 

Kissing quickly became the ultimate weapon of mass destruction in a battle of wits, flirting and general awkwardness.

 

Dinesh would kiss Gilfoyle when they were playing video games, distracting him long enough for Dinesh to earn extra XP. Gilfoyle would hide behind walls and doors, sneak up on Dinesh and pounce, kissing him when he least expected it. Dinesh would kiss Gilfoyle when he was rebuilding Anton, and kept a point tally of how many GPU’s Gilfoyle had accidentally fried thanks to him. Gilfoyle would kiss him at VC parties, always in front of as many women as possible (to Dinesh’s annoyance) and usually when Richard was looking.

 

Dinesh and Richard were eating lunch in the kitchen. Gilfoyle entered the room, stealthily snuck up behind Dinesh, tapped his left shoulder and slunk around his right side to quickly kiss him.

 

“Ha. Got you.”

 

“No you didn’t. I could hear you sneaking up on me, you know,” Dinesh said, eyes glinting with amusement.

 

“Seriously guys, get a room,” Richard muttered.

 

**

 

Things eventually progressed to flirting of a more tactile variety.

 

Gilfoyle started to walk around the house shirtless, but only ever when Dinesh was around. Dinesh, not wanting to part with his treasured rugby sweaters, retaliated by touching Gilfoyle as much as possible: holding his hand for no reason at all, putting his arm around his shoulders, hugging him the normal way, hugging him from behind. Gilfoyle was quick to reciprocate with his own line of defense: grabbing Dinesh’s shoulder, grabbing Dinesh’s upper thigh, grabbing Dinesh’s ass _._

 

At first, they only did it when Richard was around, but they made a habit of it almost too quickly. They’d find themselvescuddling on the couch, and if one got tired, the other would wordlessly become a pillow. Even if Richard was spending the weekend in San Francisco.

 

**

 

“Dinesh?” Richard asked. “Do you remember where Erlich put the old Pied Piper T-Shirts?”

 

“Yeah, they’re in that closet. I know where they are, I’ll get them,” Dinesh said, walking over to the closet. He opened the closet door and was immediately assaulted by a mountain of boxes and cleaning supplies. After moving some boxes aside, Dinesh tried to reach for the T-Shirt box. It was on the top shelf and he was slightly too short to reach it. Dinesh was considering building a stepladder out of the other boxes when he felt a familiar presence approach him from behind.

 

“Need any help?” Gilfoyle said, voice pure sex, and Dinesh’s brain went into overdrive, before remembering that Richard was in the room, probably watching him, and Gilfoyle was just doing this as part of their prank, right? Gilfoyle didn’t step aside to let Dinesh out of the tight space, instead pulling the door shut and taking a half a step forward. Their bodies were pressed up against each other in a way that felt far more intimate than a typical hug.

 

Gilfoyle slowly raised his arms as if to reach for the box, but instead settled for using them to grab Dinesh, pull him in closer, and kiss him. A real kiss, not one of the innocent pecks they had been doing in the past. Dinesh moaned and spun them around, pressing Gilfoyle against the closet wall.

 

“Okay, guys,” Richard said loudly, “I know you’re faking that, and I know you aren’t actually together. You’ve just been messing with me because I made a couple of jokes about you. You can stop now.”

 

When the noise coming from the closet didn’t cease, Richard stood up and walked over to the closet to investigate. He ripped open the door.

 

“What the fuck?”

 

Dinesh and Gilfoyle hastily separated, hair mussed and slightly out of breath. Nobody said anything for a few seconds, then Dinesh spoke.

 

“Ha! We got you!” he said slowly. “We’re not actually together, this was just a big joke. Ha. Ha. We win. This was funny.”

 

Richard looked at Gilfoyle, who still had an arm wrapped around Dinesh, and Dinesh, who was absentmindedly drawing circles onto the palm of Gilfoyle’s hand.

 

“Um, are you sure about that?”

 

Dinesh and Gilfoyle looked at each other.

 

“Fuck I really want to kiss you like that again,” Dinesh said at the exact same time Gilfoyle said: “I’m hard.”

 

“We’re going to have to be a couple now, aren’t we?”

 

“Shit yeah, we are.”

 

“Do you think we should maybe go somewhere more...comfortable?” Dinesh suggested hesitantly.

 

“Sounds good to me.”

 

Richard gaped at them. “Come on guys, I was just messing with you! I didn’t mean for this to actually happen!”

 

“Too late, Richard, this is all your fault,” Gilfoyle said, shoving Richard out of the way. “You fucked up.”

 

“Yeah, thanks a lot Richard,” Dinesh said, and his tone was sarcastic, but deep down, he was grateful for Richard’s dumb jokes and how they miraculously snowballed into...whatever it was he now had with Gilfoyle.

 

“So what are we now? Boyfriends? Partners? Arch-rivals with benefits?”

 

“I’ll tell you what we are,” Gilfoyle said, opening the door to his bedroom. “We’re the fucking best.”


End file.
